


Sickness

by TrashAYfanfiction



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 1980s, Aftermath, Alternate Ending, Angst, Coping, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Sickness, no good end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 12:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16326269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashAYfanfiction/pseuds/TrashAYfanfiction
Summary: Ash knew he needed to be tested; none of the weight he lost during his time with Golzine had came back. He was still losing weight, albeit slower than before.He'd made it to Japan.....For the first time in his life he was scared of knowing.





	Sickness

**Author's Note:**

> Short fic inspired by someone's fan theory on tumblr that Ash might have HIV https://ash-callenreese.tumblr.com/post/178988394079/a-very-important-and-painful-thread
> 
> Angst, no good end. Hate me.

Ash knew he needed to be tested; none of the weight he lost during his time with Golzine had came back. He was still losing weight, albeit slower than before.

For the first time in his life he was scared of knowing.

He had made it to Japan. He was letting himself have the life with Eiji; letting himself have what he wanted. They had an apartment. He was learning Japanese. The nightmares were getting better.

 

He had caught things before, but Dr. Meredith treated them. Golzine also kept him ‘clean’……

 

He was in Japan. They knew they were in love, but their first kiss still eluded them. How much longer could they wait? The desire was there. Ash knew he was the reason they were waiting. Actually doing it with someone he loved……. _Because_ he loved someone……. Would be overwhelming.

Eiji was letting him take it slow, waiting for him to make the first move.

 

 

…….He didn’t know if _this_ was even on the other’s mind…… The brunette knew Ash wasn’t invincible…… but this would be a pathetic way to go……

 

 

 

He needed to know. Eiji slept in the same bed.

 

 

 

He’d researched it. They had testing for it now….. but he could use all of Golzine’s money to treat it and he would still never get better…….

He needed to know. He needed to make sure he couldn’t pass it to his friend……

 

 

 

He went to the clinic alone.

Waiting for the results were nerve-wracking.

 

 

 

 

 

………………………………………………………..

He received the results……..

 

 

………………he didn’t know what he expected. He was a whore after all.

 

 

 

 

 “DON’T TOUCH ME,” Ash whirled, body rigid, scared. Eiji had seen him like that before, but it was mainly used towards men….. never him. “I don’t want you getting sick too……I’m already enough of a death sentence,” He clutched the papers in his hand. He knew he was being emotional, irrational, but….. He’d just told Eiji. Obviously the other’s response was to hug him. Didn’t that idiot know? Touching him would kill him.

                The space of their small kitchen was between them.

He would be dead within a year, three years maximum. It was advancing. He should have just died. He knew he wasn’t going to get a good end. Why try?

“I don’t care. I love you. I am willing to be with you.” Always so kind…..

“Well you shouldn’t,” ….And he always bit back….

“We have been over this many times. You know my answer,” Calm in the face of danger….. open, caring…. that’s why he loved this man……

 

“We NEED to stay just friends. I… Never before in my life have I been in love like I’m in love with you. I wish this wasn’t-!,”

 “How do I love you? It doesn’t need to be physical. Can I kiss you without getting sick? I am fine with never kissing you.”

“I- I think you can kiss me….. I don’t know. I’m researching it. Nobody seems to know what it is, but it’s not cancer,” Ash swallowed his nerves, “It seems to be transferred by body fluids; blood and semen and such….. I don’t know if spit counts. We need to wait. I’m trying to find out…… no organization with money is researching it and there’s just so much fake information….. They say it’s a moral disease,”

“You did not have a choice,” Eiji stopped that line of thought, “You are not bad for having it.” He didn’t want to admit that he was just as scared. He knew it was a death sentence.

Ash choked, “I’m going to get sick, very sick. I am going to die, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to leave you alone,” He was trembling, “I’ve never been afraid of death before, …….but now I’m with you…… and I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want you to get sick. We just dodged the bullet. We were home free. I knew……  I should have known……….I’m sorry you had to be involved,”

He collapsed heavily into the living room chair, burying his face in his hand. Eiji wanted to hold him. Any form of comfort…… but he couldn’t take it right now. Ash was bitter. …..To be touched…… He would never know what it was like to be in love and be touched….. in _that_ way. The option was gone.

Now it would be a death for whoever touched him. He laughed darkly. If only this had happened sooner….

He hadn’t wanted it right away, he definitely had baggage he needed to deal with before anything went too far….. He desperately wanted it to be okay, but now it would never be.

“I don’t want you dying from such a disgusting thing,” Ash laughed, “Let’s hope at least some of those bastards caught it from me. Too bad I didn’t get it earlier,”

Eiji didn’t know whether to encourage that. Yes laughing, but it was self-hatred. He didn’t want Ash to feel disgusted with himself.

He prodded gently, “If you had died sooner, I would have never met you,”

“Good.” Ash snapped back.

Eiji debated forcing him into a hug. He was physically stronger than the other even before the disease. He decided against it. …..It would make Ash feel weak.

“You make me angry when you talk like that. You would not be here in Japan with me, and my family,” He knelt in front of his friend, love, life partner…. Soulmate. “There are people who love you even when you do not love yourself,”

He brushed Ash’s hair out of his face, “I am not expecting anything in return. I am not expecting sex, I only want if you do as well,” He knelt to meet Ash’s eyes, “I am in love with your soul. I want to stay if you will let me,”

 

                Ash wanted to throw the papers and tell Eiji his soul was garbage, but that wasn’t an argument he would win.

 “The doctors say it’s starting to set in….. The drugs will only prolong it,” Ash’s voice wavered.

Eiji, as always, was strong and caught him, “I am happy for any time I have with you,”

 

 

Ash held the other to him and cried.

………………………………………………………………………..

 

-END-

**Author's Note:**

> During my first read of BF I found it interesting that HIV was only touched on in passing. NY in the 1980's gay/sexworker community was a huge site for it, and if BF was American media this could not be ignored. 
> 
> I'm glad BF didn't use it because the feelings about AIDS at the time would have overpowered the pulp fiction story BF is trying to tell. This is my take on having BF confront it. There was a huge stigma about people infected at the time, and I feel I don't cover that well. Might make a small multi-fic series about dealing with this, as well as Ash's mental illnesses post 'good end' of 'Ash goes to Japan".


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